Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married ... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist ...... Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes ..... why do you ask ,..... is there something I can help you with?"
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Registry."
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sperm Bank
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
Friday, October 17, 2008
St Patricks day massacre
I'm Joe long time reader first time poster.
The following events are real only the peoples names have been changed.
It had started out as any other St Patrick’s day in Belfast with me and a bunch of mates getting drunk stoned and a couple of us deciding to have some mushrooms to help the day along. We go for a pint or three in the students union, spirits were high and at only 3pm everyone was shit-faced (no pun intended). A friend of ours “Julian” (not his real name) was staggering/falling/stumbling around like a generally pissed up loon and making strange hooting noises. We finish our pints and decide to head back to a mates house for a BBQ in the sun. Later on and after an attempt at having a BBQ indoors (not wise) were all sitting in the living room enjoying a spliff when… BOOM!!! The front door flies open and there’s the patter of not so tiny footsteps running up the stairs with a purpose and falling all over the place. It’s Julian, “I’m goin for a shite” was all we heard before hearing the bathroom door close loudly. Becky comes walking into the living room "No jokin, I think he's shit himself".
The hall stank of shit, not ordinary shit but the kind of shit whose smell would linger in the hall until the next day. There was shit on the stairs where he’d fallen over on the way to the bog. Me Colly an Crookes go an stand outside the bathroom, we could hear a series of bangs and crashes (this is a student bathroom with nothing to bang or crash into), we shout in "Julian", we got back "fuck off I’m takin a shite" then "I didn’t shit myself".
He spent at least 30mins in there. Then we heard a very lard crash sound and decide he was tryin to hang himself because of the shame. So Colly opened the door with a knife somehow. We’re greeted by the site of an extremely pissed Julian attempting to pull up his trousers (which were soaking? an had shit smears all over then). The smell was god awful, the floor was soaking, there were bits of shit soaked bog roll all over the floor. Julian had a massive whack of shite on top of his shoe,
Julian : "I didnt shit myself"
Me: "Whats that on your shoe then?"
Julian: "Thats dogshit!!"
Me: "No it isnt"
He then fell back down on the bog while still tryin to do up his trousers, he eventually gets up and insisits that he must hug me for being such a good mate. We walk/throw him outta the house and hope he makes it home. About 20min or so later me an Colly decide to go to the offies then to Julians house to check on him. We arrive at Julian's and his housemate Peter answers, we tell him the story and he tells us Julian is in his room. Colly decides to go for a piss, just as he is about to reach for the bathroom door handle it flies open. Julian is standing there naked and freshly out of the shower. He
chases us around for a bit (still naked) insisting that he hadn’t shit himself and that he couldn’t even remember being in the other house so therefore it didn't happen. There was a look of desperation in his eyes that made us both think he might do somethin silly, he did. He chased me out of his house still naked out into his street. Remember that St Patricks day is a big day in Belfast especially in student areas, the street was packed with drunken students and a dozen or so young children. He momentarily paused at the steps in front of his door before raising his right hand shouting woooooo and running around his street starkers. We eventually got him back inside where he eventually put on some boxers (not before subjecting me Colly an Peter to a naked rant in the living room on how he didn’t shit himself). More people arrive to witness Julian in all his glory and one of them notices that Julian has some shit on his bare foot.
Crookes: "Julian there’s shit on you foot."
Julian: "no there isn't, its not shit"
Julian licks his finger and rubs the brown matter on his foot, sucks on said finger and pronounces that it's actually just dirt. Ever notice how when you wet dry shit you can smell it again, we all smelt shit
but decided not to say to him for fear of retributions involving a shitty finger. Now we all decided it was best to try and leave him for a while and let him sober up, he went to bed and missed the rest of St
Patrick’s day. To this day he denies the entire incident even happened......but we have photos of it......some day......somewhere.......we'll post them......and you can all witness the horror of that day.
Sorry about the long post but if you made it this far then thanks for reading it.
The following events are real only the peoples names have been changed.
It had started out as any other St Patrick’s day in Belfast with me and a bunch of mates getting drunk stoned and a couple of us deciding to have some mushrooms to help the day along. We go for a pint or three in the students union, spirits were high and at only 3pm everyone was shit-faced (no pun intended). A friend of ours “Julian” (not his real name) was staggering/falling/stumbling around like a generally pissed up loon and making strange hooting noises. We finish our pints and decide to head back to a mates house for a BBQ in the sun. Later on and after an attempt at having a BBQ indoors (not wise) were all sitting in the living room enjoying a spliff when… BOOM!!! The front door flies open and there’s the patter of not so tiny footsteps running up the stairs with a purpose and falling all over the place. It’s Julian, “I’m goin for a shite” was all we heard before hearing the bathroom door close loudly. Becky comes walking into the living room "No jokin, I think he's shit himself".
The hall stank of shit, not ordinary shit but the kind of shit whose smell would linger in the hall until the next day. There was shit on the stairs where he’d fallen over on the way to the bog. Me Colly an Crookes go an stand outside the bathroom, we could hear a series of bangs and crashes (this is a student bathroom with nothing to bang or crash into), we shout in "Julian", we got back "fuck off I’m takin a shite" then "I didn’t shit myself".
He spent at least 30mins in there. Then we heard a very lard crash sound and decide he was tryin to hang himself because of the shame. So Colly opened the door with a knife somehow. We’re greeted by the site of an extremely pissed Julian attempting to pull up his trousers (which were soaking? an had shit smears all over then). The smell was god awful, the floor was soaking, there were bits of shit soaked bog roll all over the floor. Julian had a massive whack of shite on top of his shoe,
Julian : "I didnt shit myself"
Me: "Whats that on your shoe then?"
Julian: "Thats dogshit!!"
Me: "No it isnt"
He then fell back down on the bog while still tryin to do up his trousers, he eventually gets up and insisits that he must hug me for being such a good mate. We walk/throw him outta the house and hope he makes it home. About 20min or so later me an Colly decide to go to the offies then to Julians house to check on him. We arrive at Julian's and his housemate Peter answers, we tell him the story and he tells us Julian is in his room. Colly decides to go for a piss, just as he is about to reach for the bathroom door handle it flies open. Julian is standing there naked and freshly out of the shower. He
chases us around for a bit (still naked) insisting that he hadn’t shit himself and that he couldn’t even remember being in the other house so therefore it didn't happen. There was a look of desperation in his eyes that made us both think he might do somethin silly, he did. He chased me out of his house still naked out into his street. Remember that St Patricks day is a big day in Belfast especially in student areas, the street was packed with drunken students and a dozen or so young children. He momentarily paused at the steps in front of his door before raising his right hand shouting woooooo and running around his street starkers. We eventually got him back inside where he eventually put on some boxers (not before subjecting me Colly an Peter to a naked rant in the living room on how he didn’t shit himself). More people arrive to witness Julian in all his glory and one of them notices that Julian has some shit on his bare foot.
Crookes: "Julian there’s shit on you foot."
Julian: "no there isn't, its not shit"
Julian licks his finger and rubs the brown matter on his foot, sucks on said finger and pronounces that it's actually just dirt. Ever notice how when you wet dry shit you can smell it again, we all smelt shit
but decided not to say to him for fear of retributions involving a shitty finger. Now we all decided it was best to try and leave him for a while and let him sober up, he went to bed and missed the rest of St
Patrick’s day. To this day he denies the entire incident even happened......but we have photos of it......some day......somewhere.......we'll post them......and you can all witness the horror of that day.
Sorry about the long post but if you made it this far then thanks for reading it.
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